Today I want to talk about pain.
This is not something I usually do and I generally like to avoid these conversations because people will start to say you are crying for help when you just need an outlet. The truth is: sometimes people are not looking for sympathy or for someone to save them; sometimes people just want to say how they feel and how they are hurting just because.
Can’t we just share?
So here I am, opening up about my pain because I feel I will explode if I don’t speak. I am not trying to seek attention, I just want to share.
I have experienced different levels of emotional pain before but nothing compares to the one I experienced in the month of June. 2017 was a struggle and like many, I hoped that 2018 was going to be the year that would change my situation. I was making moves and doing things so I was positive that things would be different
Not so much.
The start of the year was a drag as I dealt with rejection from 3 media fellowships and a rejection email from a job I applied for. Everything started to feel like a routine; from work to my personal life, it became as if I was just floating through life. I had been on my media journey professionally for close to 6 years and I felt stuck. I had hopes and dreams but it just felt like the change I was desperately seeking wasn’t going to come.
Then Germany happened.
Germany felt like my prayers were finally getting answered. I was desperate for a win and I got one. Immediately, I started making plans on the moves I will make when I travel and what I would do when I get back. I was so confident that things were going to change after the experience and that I would be moving into a new phase of my career.
I was in for a shock.
Germany was amazing in itself. My experience at the Global Media Forum is one that I will not trade for anything. However, on my last day in Germany, I made a list of the things I wanted to do once I got back. There was a lot I was going to apply to my journey once I got back to Nigeria and I was ready to work. I guess life had other plans.
Every time I tried to embark on a project it felt like I hit a roadblock. It was like I came back to Nigeria and found myself in a space that I was unfamiliar with. It became very frustrating because I was confused. I started doubting myself and every decision I had made. I would get home and just cry because it felt like I was in a hole and I had no idea why I was there to start with. To make matters worse, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because “I just got back from Germany” and I had to “count my blessings.” Every morning I would tell myself that I have a job and I have been blessed with countless opportunities and I should be grateful. Truth is, I didn’t feel that way. I was angry and was finding it hard to function. It felt like the pain was eating me up from the inside out and I just needed it to stop.
I am doing better. Trust me I am. Things are not where I want them to be but we are here and we are kicking. Every morning I tell myself that I am on a journey and I have to trust the process. The thing is, I have also come to understand that the waiting process can be painful. I have decided to take every day as it comes; cry when the tears come and laugh when I am happy. It is also extremely tiring when people try to dismiss your emotions because “you have everything going for you” and you should be “happy all the time.”
I have made peace with the fact that pain is a part of adulting and there is nothing I can do about it. I have also come to understand that not everyone will understand and it’s fine. We all have our baggage. Whatever it is, just stay strong because tomorrow is almost here and it might be better than today.
Now that’s real talk!
Image by The Photocentric.
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